


Obscure Sorrows

by Haiirel



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, philosophical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 13:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11105793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haiirel/pseuds/Haiirel
Summary: An unlikely romance explored through a selection of words from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows (link below). In which Dan (an unhappy lawyer) is traveling through a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, as he sets aside what he’d been told about the world, and finally ponders on what it means to be an individual.ORWe tackle each turn of events with a word from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. I guess it's my way to discuss the philosophies behind these concepts in the form of story telling and romance ;) only read if you're into having an existential crisis and deep thoughts!The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows is a made up dictionary, created not to be used in daily conversation, but to fill holes in our language by wrapping big concepts into bundles of letters. It's pretty cool:http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/most chapters will have the word, meaning and link to the original website as well :D -is lowkey excited-





	Obscure Sorrows

**Author's Note:**

> Sonder (n):  
> The realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
> 
> For more information about the word:  
> Website: http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/sonder  
> Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkoML0_FiV4

Fur Elise.

The sounds and melodies of a time that gone past, grabbing him with their piercing claws, and dragging his conscious out of the realms of reality. Without any words or dictations, he can simply create his own meaning. A feeling of darkness, of absence, and of absurd twinges of life in an otherwise meaningless existence.

He wonders whom that woman was that Beethoven dedicated a song in her honour. Not just a song, one of the most iconic chords in all of music history. He ponders on how she remains now, as a name of a beautiful melody, an unknown phrase people mistake for foreign exotic nonsense. And, well, literally nothing else.

He dragged his feet out of the office, feeling a desperate gust of autumn wind against his face. “Goodbye Mister Howell!” He heard a quiet call before he closed the door, and waved goodbye to his Secretary. In the evening haze, London looked like something out of an urban portrait of a city. Generic, yet, beautiful in its own London-y way. Who’d have thought he’d end up here, as a semi-successful lawyer, wearing a suit and his curly hair, in an effort to be a little less chained than he felt he was.

Less lost maybe… It wasn’t working.

Ambiguity followed him like a shadow, making him stumble and fall. To disregard his dreams, to fulfil other people’s desires, to make terrible choices that failed to make him happy, to be so useless, sinful even in thought… That was his life so far.

“Well shit.” Dan chuckled to himself. He wasn’t sure why that was funny, but he giggled like a lunatic. He always found the thought of his life to be a crappy joke that’s so shit it’s actually hilarious. He shook his head, taking in what remains of the colourful sky in his eyes.

The song was over, and he was somehow facing a crossroad to Starbucks, not that he planned to go this way. He doesn’t plan a lot of things.

“Not even my future…”

_‘You’re a people pleaser, Dan.’_ A voice in him said.

_‘I’m not!’_ He responded sharply in his head.

_‘Really? Hah, sorry, you OBVIOUSLY chose law because you like it!’_

“Shut up…” He found himself whispering. He hates that his subconscious is a sarcastic asshole.

_‘I wonder why you didn’t just think of a major you liked.’_

“I don’t like anything.” He whispered still.

_‘That’s bullshit, and you know it. You wanted to be a video creator, like the ones on YouTube.’_

“That would be impossible… And I don’t want my mum’s wish to go unfulfilled over something so stupid.”

Would she proud of him? He wonders… He is, after all, a respectable lawyer. Would she be happy to know this choice was making him miserable?

His regrets are catching up to him, like an unwanted train, finally arriving to its equally unwanted destination. He felt stuffed, full of issues he wouldn’t have had if he only followed his heart. His relationships didn’t last. His job was just a routine of repeated cases with the same people wearing different names and skins. Everyone seemed like they were designed by the same basic template, though executed to _look_ different. He probably seemed like that to other people as well. He probably IS that to other people actually…

_‘It wasn’t stupid.’_

“It was.”

_‘Wasn’t!”_

“WAS.” He said out loud, and his vision cleared. People were suddenly silent, and he found himself facing the cashier. When did he get here…?

“What would you like, sir?” A young blonde was talking to him now. She didn’t seem to mind his crazy shouting at himself.

“Uh, um.. Vanilla Cappuccino, with… whipped cream?”

“Are you asking me, sir?” She laughed lightly. He felt his face going red.

“Probably…” He grinned in return.

“Whipped cream it is!” She said cheerily. Happy people are a breath of fresh air, he thinks. “Grande?”

“Ariana.” Oh, shit. He didn’t mean to say that. She genuinely laughed.

“That’ll be 3.6£, sir!”

He liked that girl.

The girl received a phone call, and signalled him to wait for his order on the next lane. He stepped aside, watching her walk to a corner, and answer the phone.

Her face changed in a matter of seconds.

She was practically jumping in her shoes, unable to control her excitement. Whatever was said in that phone call was clearly a big deal, and he was curious. She bounced back to the counter, noticing his stares. He was caught, and couldn’t look away, that would be even more awkward. Instead he scratched his head, and began talking.

Oh Lord…

“So, uh, I don’t want to sound nosy but… What’s up?” That wasn’t awkward at all, good job Daniel.

Her face lit up immediately. “OH! Nothing, nothing… Other than me finally getting accepted into university!” She jumped around, high-five-ing her co-workers and nudging Dan across the counter. “Oh God! I’ve never been able to pay the fees, but now I’ve got a sponsor. Finally, I’ll be a doctor!”

She was so elated about it, almost as if she was the main character in this room. It’s like a drama, where an unassuming normal girl is given a chance to be something greater than she ever thought she could be. And he? The random person at the coffee shop. The stranger that’s keeping her from going home. The last customer in her shift. The nosy person behind the counter. He was a secondary character to her, and to everyone else. He’s often so caught up in himself, that he doesn’t realize, he’s the main character in only one show, his show. Other people have lives outside his, they have dreams, ambitions, memories, a future… all of which he may be a mere glance, as they walk past him across the road.

_‘Wondering why the crazy cappuccino guy was shouting at nobody…’_

Dan couldn’t argue with that. He felt a tap on his shoulder, from a familiar guy across the second lane.

“H-HEY.. Um, are you alright?” The blue eyed asked. The yellow-green eyed asked? He wasn’t sure.

Where did he see this face before…

 

* * *

 

Phil was not having a good day.

He fumbled with his wallet, looking for loose change to pay for his Pumpkin Spiced Latte. He honestly wouldn’t complain, as his life was as good as it would likely ever get. Making videos as a job sure is fun sometimes, but not so much when you have nothing to make a video about. His income was alright, and he has his fans to thank for. He may not have 4 Million subscribers like some YouTubers, but, he had the best audience, everyone will admit!

It won’t do though; he can’t disappoint said audience with terrible content… But he’s at a loss for words, ideas.

He often felt like something in him was missing.

He had great friends, he thinks. PJ is a very creative guy, as well as Louise and Zoella who became mega-ultra-famous all of a sudden. He didn’t mind his current numbers, as long as his subscriber count matched his viewer count, he’s happy with that. He’s happy the people who subscribe to him actually watch his content. But…He often feels lonely, missing someone. He does not have a best friend, just many great friends.

What would be better, he wonders. Having one amazing friend, or a ton of good friends?

He’ll never know... It’s too late to start looking for best friends now. He is thirty years old, and a has job that requires him to be at home. As if he’d meet someone new any time soon.

He almost gave the girl her change, but she excused him and bounced off to the corner. He stood awkwardly holding the money, and pulled his hand back like a mess.

He hoped nobody saw that…

Phil turned and observed the shop, noticing a tall brunette, wearing a suit, looking at what he thinks was the horizon of Starbucks. It was the guy who was shouting once Phil stepped into the coffee shop. The cashier did not seem to mind; it was probably not that important. And now he was staring at the horizon, which to Phil ended with the wall, and to the stranger and it seemed to keep going on and on.

The stranger looked up to the blonde.

His face was neutral, lined with a subtle alertness to what the girl was saying. Phil didn’t like to eavesdrop, but he was, for some reason, very interested. She expressed some good news, and Phil was heart warmed over her radiating happiness. His stance was more comfortable as he unconsciously smiled towards the girl. His eyes drifted to the stranger, and the smile was diluted.

Why was he frowning?

That doesn’t make sense.

.

.

.

Phil needed to know.

He didn’t know what he was doing when he did it. His body moved on its own, without his consent. He arms, in slow motion, stretched to meet the slightly-taller brunette on his left hand side, and he tapped his shoulder.

The stranger’s face returned to neutral, as he turned to meet Phil’s eyes. They were vibrant brown, much like his curly soft hair.

Phil _did not_ expect the stranger to be handsome.

“H-HEY.. Um, are you alright?” Phil would actually face palm if he could.

The stranger looked at him questioningly, clearly expecting something else. Phil didn’t know what else to say.

“I—uhh, yeah, I guess?” The brunette said. “Why do you ask?” Crap.

“Nothing… I was just, looking…” Phil felt himself blushing now. “And you frowned when she said something happy? I just... thought... I don’t know what I thought, I’m sorry.” He was making a fool of himself, he knew. He withdrew his hands, and felt another hand tug at his hoodie. The brunette was smiling at him now, though still confused.

“No, it’s alright. I guess it is weird huh… Yeah, I’m just a bit of a pessimist. I like to think about things the uh _unpleasant_ way.” He explained pointedly.

“How could you think of her news in an unpleasant way?” He was genuinely intrigued now, and he didn’t notice how eerily talkative he was to this stranger, compared to his usual social shell.

“Oh, I don’t know. I doubt you wanna hear about some stranger’s existential thoughts do you…” His words seemed to fade at the end, as he turned around and grabbed his coffee. Phil noticed his cup on the counter as well; he usually hears when someone shouts his name at Starbucks?

“I do, actually.”

The stranger turned to face him, a bit surprised at his response.

“Okay.” The brunette said. “I’m Dan, by the way.”

“I’m Phil!”

 

* * *

 

 

“W-wow.” Phil blinked, trying to fathom how someone could be so negative in a matter of seconds.

“Yeah…” He sipped his coffee, trying not to stare at Phil too much. Phil was never a pessimist though; he was always a half cup full kind of guy.

Phil didn’t notice he was grinning.

“Why’re you smiling?”

“Me?” He asked stupidly.

“Yeah, you.” Dan impatiently tapped his feet against the floor.

“Oh. Oh! It’s just the way you said it, is all. Made it sounds sorta funny!”

Dan stared in disbelief. “Yeah wow, glad my miserable life is funny to someone else.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“I knooow,” Dan smirked.

Phil decided to ignore him. “Well, isn’t that great though?” He said, attracting Dan’s attention with a hearty smile. Dan tilted his head in confusion. _‘That’s kinda cute.’_

_‘…No. Snap out of it, Phil.’_

“How so?”

“Well! If we’re not the main characters in every show, thennn… We can just join in a lot of other stories, making many spin-offs and OVAs and special one hour Christmas episodes!”

Dan did a frown-smile, an expression that Phil knows too well.

“…You mean a Doctor Who Christmas Special?”

“YES!” Phil chippered excitedly, grinning wider when Dan shook his head slightly. “Like that! Wait, does it make sense?” He halted.

Dan snorted. “Yeah, it does. Weirdly enough.”

Dan’s eyes were slightly more faded, all of a sudden.

“You always look like you’re staring at a Horizon; do you know that?” Phil asked.

“Oh,” lights returned to his eyes. “heh, I guess. Well, enough about me then. I have a feeling like I recognise you from somewhere but… I can’t seem to place it. Have we met before?” Dan stared intently.

What if he recognises Phil?! Wait that's… a long shot. He hadn’t announced that he moved to London, at any case.

“Oh… See, I don’t know how to explain this but—Uhh, I make…videos?”

Dan’s eyes widened.

“V-videos…?”

‘ _Oh god, does he think I’m a porn star now? Great job Lester!’_

“NO no, not those kind of videos. Just, YouTube videos.” Phil nervously smiled, feeling irrationally ashamed. The guy was wearing a suit; he probably doesn’t know making YouTube videos is considered a job.

“Oh! So you’re a YouTuber? A—err—a vlogger?” Dan’s face lit with recognition. “Wait! I think I do know you.” He dragged his Phone out of the pocket in his coat. “You’reee… AmazingPhil?”

Phil gulped.

“Yeah?”

Dan chuckled. “Are you asking me, Phil?” He lowered his phone on the table. “I don’t watch a lot of YouTube, but, you’re one of the few people I like to sta—AHEM I mean _watch_ you every now and then.” He diverted his eyes, a blush creeping on his features. Phil couldn’t contain his relief after that.

“Oh God! I thought you were going to say I’m weird for making videos! It’s terrible being recognised sometimes.” Oh shoot, did that sound too conceited?

“It must be,” he nodded. “It’s alright, I wanted to make videos too years ago but… Guess I got too caught up in life.”

Well, Phil sure didn’t expect that. “And now? What do you do?”

“A lawyer.”

“….”

Wow.

“Shut up.” Dan kicked Phil from under the table.

“But—I didn’t say anything!”

“I know you were thinking it.”

“Thinking what?”

“Really?” Dan squinted at Phil.

“Well… I mean you don’t seem like the lawyer ty—”

“I. Know.” Dan lifted his cup to sip again, only to find it empty. He huffed and put it down. This wasn’t how Phil wanted this conversation to go.

_‘What did I hope out of this, though?’_

“Sometimes you realise too late that making other people happy is not always enough to make you happy.”

Oh.

“Yeah… It’s not.” He said, mostly to himself.

Is he making a mistake by forcing himself to make more content?

They sat in companionable silence, both absorbed in their own problems, and in their new friendship.


End file.
